How Are Ya Batsy?
by smartperson99
Summary: What if some of the Rouge's Gallery got a hold of Batman's cell number? A whole lot of crazy that makes the Joker seem sane! Chapters have been rewritten and I'm still rewriting some. Thank you for being patient. Rated T for bad words, alcohol use, and drug use. I don't support alcohol or drug usage and neither does Batman.
1. Joker and Batman

**I don't own anything except for most of the text. Everything belongs to their respected owners.**

* * *

Text Messages Between Batman and Joker Part 1

One stormy Gotham night, Bruc- I mean Batman was brooding in his Bat-cave about an unfortunate event that had happened earlier that week. He hadn't come out of the Batcave since that event, leaving Robin and Batgirl to do all the work. Suddenly, his bat-cell phone vibrates and the last person he wanted to text at the moment decided to text him:

_Joker: Hi Batsy!_

"How the hell did he get my number?" Batman thought.

_Batman: How did you get this number?_

_Joker: I'll never tell! tee hee hee_

"Oh crap...this is going to be weird, and not in a good way."

_Batman: Shut up you sick bastard!_

_Joker: Never! Also where are you? I've robbed three banks and kidnapped the bird boy and you still haven't shown up!_

"Where am I when I want to be alone dumbass?"_  
_

_Batman: Its nothing..._

_Joker: Ok then! The boy blunder wants to talk to you, here he is!_

"Crap."_  
_

_Joker: Batman, where the hell are you?! I've been gone for over an hour! Joker told me to tell you we are at Ace Chemical Plant. Please hurry, I don't like the way Harley is eyeing me up..._

_Joker: The poor birdie fell asleep after Harley read that last sentence and hit him over the head with a crowbar. I have no idea where she went off to and the bird boy is pulling a disappearing act. You bats are no fun!_

_Batman: ...Are you a freaking pedophile?..._

_Joker: I'm insulted! Harley possibly, but you let the kid run around in skin-tight spandex (Harley comments that he has a six-pack) and tights. Your setting up the child for people like her. Not my problem. I'm just glad you finally put pants on him!_

_Batman: He liked that outfit._

_Joker: Keep telling yourself that. Also Catwoman is hitting on me, Penguin, Clayface, and even the Riddler! Is that guy even straight?_

"Damn it Selena. Is she trying to make my life miserable?"_  
_

_Batman: Shut. Up. Also I have no idea if the Riddler is gay or not, but that would explain a lot..._

_Joker: Oh, you two go through a break up? Well, I don't mean to rain on your parade even more, but...the bird boy actually pulled a disappearing act and he came mumbling to himself into the control room (that's where I am, hint hint) mumbling to himself that he doesn't need to take your shit anymore and is going to become his own man. He then proceeded to slap me and left the building. I have no idea what happened to Harely..._

_Batman: I'll slap the little bitch when he gets home._

_Joker: Catwoman asked me to ask you something..._

_Batman: What is it?! Tell me!_

_Joker: She is wondering if you could ask Robin out for her._

"What the fu- I mean freak. Stupid Alfred, not letting me curse in his presence.."_  
_

_Batman: WTH!_

_Joker: Ikr, and I thought Harley was a pedophile. I mean, the kid is 15 right?_

_Batman: Robin is 19..._

_Joker: And he still dresses like that, no wonder why he left you._

"Bastard."_  
_

_Batman: Shut up, and tell her Robin said yes. He left with a briefcase full of his stuff and took the batbike._

_Batman: Tell her this, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME SILENA?! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! I'VE BEEN CRYING IN THE BATCAVE FOR OVER A WEEK THANKS TO YOU, YOU HEARTLESS BITCH! NOW YOU WANT TO DATE MY SIDEKICK?!_

_Joker: And I thought I had problems._

_Batman: *Bat Glare*_

_Joker: *Ignoring Bat Glare cause you aren't really here dumbass*_

_Batman: I'm going go over there and kick your ass once I'm done eating this gallon of chocolate ice cream and after "The Notebook" is over._

_Joker: What ever, say, is Batgirl single?_

_Batman: Probably, Alfred hasn't got to her yet._

_Joker: Mind if I take her out Friday at six for dinner._

_Batman: She said fine..._

_Joker: Tell her not to wear the cowl ;)_

_Batman: Pedophile_

_Joker: I know she is of legal age! Unlike bird boy..._

_Batman: Whatever, I'm going back to my movie._

"Can he leave me alone for Pete's sake?"_  
_

_Joker: Hey, Ms. Kyle is wondering if you want to make it a triple date?_

_Batman: SHE WANTS ME BACK?!_

"Yes! I knew she couldn't stay away from all of this!"_  
_

_Joker: Apparently, but her clone is going to date the bird boy. I have no idea where she got the clone. Ten bucks on its Clayface (I knew he was gay! Why else would he and the Riddler hang out so much?)._

_Batman: Tell her it's a deal._

And on that happy note, the Bat left to get another gallon of chocolate ice cream to celebrate his victory of winning his beloved cat's heart...and because he had the munchies...

* * *

**Yeah...I have no idea where me and my friend got this idea. I got the idea of "Batman: Probably, Alfred hasn't got to her yet." from leik777 Batman Abridged Episodes on YouTube. I highly suggest checking them out (if you are over 13 and can/allowed to watch stuff with suggestive stuff and swear words). **** I wasn't trying to be correct with the information, this is how I think it should have happen with Robin (Dick Grayson) leaving and this is kind of my take on the Batman Universe. Give me suggestions for what you want Batman and (whoever you want) to talk about. Also just tell me what you think.** **Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more! Thanks for being patient about me rewriting the story, I love all of your faces!  
**

**Have a Nice Day! :D  
**


	2. Batman and Joker Again

Text Messages Between Batman and Joker Part 2

Deep inside the lair of the Batman: He is extremely bored and is doing nothing to benifit the city of Gotham when he recieves a text message from one of his greatest enemies, the Joker.**(1)**

_Joker: wat do u want to talk about batman?_

_Batman: Oh idk joker_

_Joker: I heard rumors about catwoman..._

"This I have to hear." Batman thought to himself._  
_

_Batman: Like what_

_Joker: Rumor Number 1.) She wants to date you again 2.) She wants to date the bird boi again 3.) She may b a man..._

_Batman: Holy cheese...She, oopps, I mean he is a man?_

_Joker: Ikr, creepy part is that number 2 is apparently correct..._

_Batman: What was #2 again?_

_Joker: She wants 2 date the boy blunder_

_Batman: yea im sure she does! oopps "he"_

_Joker: ..._

_Joker: Batsy, have you gone batty?_

_Joker: (Laughing my joke)_

"Everybody thinks, their hilarious."_  
_

_Batman: A little. y, is it noticeable?_

_Joker: Yes, yes it is. U finally going 2 come 2 the dark side batsy? U know u want 2 try my exploding pies, they're 2 DIE for!_

_Batman: Oh, sorry for a min there i thought u were talking about something else_

_Joker: Ladies and Gentleman, the batty batman_

"What is that suppose to mean?!"_  
_

_Batman: What is that suppose to mean?_

_Joker: Hey, r u going 2 stop me anytime soon? I've robbed three banks and left the plans 2 my secret hideout in one. Everysince u and catwoman, I mean catman (giggles) broke up, u've been no fun!_

_Batman: I'm sorry joker_

_Joker: U know, ur more fun than harley. All she wants is that romance crap. U...I don't know...;)_

_Joker: Dammit! Ivy get those plant hormones away from me!_

_Batman: Hahaha_

"Stupid bastard..hahahaha!"_  
_

_Joker: At least I don't keep everything we fought against each with! That's right, I know about the batcave!_

_Batman: Shut up_

_Joker: I'll b honest. I still have the cape of the little bird boi I blew up that 1 time...good times...good times..._

_Batman: Hahaha_

_Joker: How's he doing? Still taking that dirt nap I put him in? *wink*_

_Batman: Yea_

_Joker: So how is the new 1 treatin ya? Can his dear Uncle J c him?_

_Batman: No_

_Joker: Y not, I have some new toys I'm dying 2 try out! He'll b 2! Muhahahaha!_

"Does he really think I'm an idiot?"_  
_

_Batman: Nope_

_Joker: Y? Is it because of the dirt nap the other 1 is having? Or cause I just broke into wayne tech and stole some chemicals?!_

"WTH does he think? The answer is obvious!"_  
_

_Batman: Its both_

_Joker: Poo. Ur no fun. First u won't stop me after I broke into wayne tech, ace chemicals, three banks, five hardware stores, and a walmart, and then you won't let the bird boi meet his Uncle J! Wats wrong with u?!_

_Batman: Nothing_

* * *

**(1) - Admit it, you read it in the announcer's voice from the old Batman TV show...if you didn't...what's wrong with you?  
**

**Thanks for reading! Please comment on who you want Batman to talk to next! I own nothing except for the conversation. That stuff my friend and I texted each other. Thanks for being patient while I'm rewriting the story. If you noticed I'm trying to change it as little as possible so my original viewers can still enjoy what they originally enjoyed.  
**

**Have a Nice Day! :D  
**


	3. Joker ft a Mystery Guest

Text Messages Between Joker and Batman featuring a Special Guest

It is the one year-anniversary of Jason Todd's death and Batman is cooping with his depression the only way he knows how to, by getting high and texting his son's murder, the Joker!

_Batman: Hee hee_

_Joker: Are you sure you aren't smoking anything?_

_Batman: Whyyyyyy_

_Batman: Hee hee_

_Joker: Cause you don't laugh this much easily...its starting to scare me a little..._

"Who freaking cares if you're scared! I'm flying!" Batman yelled at his phone._  
_

_Batman: Heee heee maybe I am_

_Joker: O_o_

_Batman: Hahahahahaha_

_Joker: Really Batsy? I didn't take you for that type of person *cough*stoner*cough*_

_Batman: Hahaha_

_Joker: I'm usually the one who handles the laughing! Find your own f*****g trademark!_

"No freaking way! Shit! I'm crashing again!"_  
_

_Batman: Hold on, I need to light this thing_

_Joker: Does the bird boy know you do THAT?!_

"Jason did, this is his stash I'm using!"_  
_

_Batman: Idk_

_Joker: What else do you do that I don't know about?_

_Batman: I just smoke happy rainbows ;)_

_Joker: Wow, I'm not sure I'll ever be as high as you are...and you threw me in a vat of chemicals!_

"That sounds like a pretty good idea for getting high..."_  
_

_Batman: Hee hee_

_Joker: O_o_

_Batman: Hee_

_Joker: You better be sharing that crap Batsy!_

"No way clown-face!"_  
_

_Batman: Why?_

_Joker: Cause Harley and her obsessions with me and the boy blunder are driving me crazy (and I'm already insane)!_

_Batman: Hee_

_Joker: So, you gonna share?_

_Batman: Na_

_Joker: Humph. Stop being selfish Batsy. You get robin and never let him see his Uncle J!_

_Batman: Shhh_

"The mushrooms I licked earlier are letting me see things, beautiful things!" the Batman whispered to himself while starting at a wall in the Batcave._  
_

_Joker: What?!_

_Batman: I'm seeing rainbows_

_Batman: Shhhh_

"It's beautiful, don't ruin the moment." he whispered again._  
_

_Joker: ..._

_Joker: Screw you Batsy_

_Batman: Screw me you_

_Joker: Huh?_

_Joker: Are you insinuating what I think you are..._

_Batman: What do you think?! Tell me!_

_Joker: That you and me hook up... that's creepy Batsy. And I'm a 30-year-old man who commits crimes dressed as a clown..._

"What's his problem?"_  
_

_Batman: Soooooo_

_Joker: I'm 95% sure your high...not sure how that would work out..._

_Batman: Hee hee_

_Joker: I'll give you Harley, you give me Robin?_

_Batman: No_

_Joker: Please!_

_Batman: No_

"I may be high, but I'm not stupid. Just high." Batman thought to himself, his voice was starting to get hoarse from all of the yelling he did earlier._  
_

_Joker: Why not? Are you still mad over the bird boy I had taking a dirt nap? That happened, like, a week ago! Get over it!_

_Batman: No, haha_

_Joker: Oh, he isn't in the dirt nap anymore for some reason. He is at my front door trying to kill me. Help me Batsy!_

_Batman: Naaaa I'm still a little fuzzy_

_Joker: Aaaaahhhhh! It hurts! He's shooting me! Help me!_

_Batman: I think I'm going to lay down for a while cause the room is spinning like crazy._

_Joker: Aaaaahhhhh! It hurts! Call an ambulance!_

"Hahaha! Shows that sucker right!"_  
_

_Joker: Aaaahhhh! I'm bleeding!_

_Batman: Zzzzzzzzzzzz..._

_Joker: Hey its Harley. The "dead" bird boy locked me in a room and Mista J's phone was in here. He is currently cryin and bleedin. Think you could help us? The bird boy said I'm next and he better mean a manicure!_

_Batman: *Snoring* Zzzzz_

_Joker: Bruce, get your fat ass up! Guess who it is? That's right, its Jason bitches! I'm back and ready to kick ass! I'm glad you didn't save me Bruce, but why did you let that bastard live? I thought you would have killed him cause he took me away from you!_

_Batman: Zzzzzzzzzz..._

With that final message, our favorite dark knight passed out on the ground with bottles of vodka and some weird looking mushrooms all around him.

* * *

**Poor Joker. I will now include some heroes in the text messages, so leave your suggestions. No, I don't support drugs or alcohol. Thank you all so much for reading and for being patient for the rewrites of the chapters. Tell me how you like them so far! I love you all!  
**

**Have a Nice Day! :D  
**


	4. Batman, Joker, and Two Females

Batman Text Messages Between Batman and Three Villains

***In Awesome Announcer Voice*  
**Deep inside the lair of the Batman: Batman is busy filling out paperwork for both Wayne Enterprises and criminal records to keep the Bat-computer up to date. He decides to take a break and have a drink or two, when suddenly, his Bat-cell-phone vibrates. It is none other than the Joker! What does the Joker want to tell our Dark Knight?:

_Joker: Who are you?_

_Joker: I mean how are you?_

_Batman: I'm llama momma. And who are you?_

_Joker: I'm the Joker_

_Batman: And I'm the Batman_

_Joker: I thought you were llama mamma?_

_Batman: But, your llama tard_

_Joker: I know that llama momma!_

_Batman: Whatever joker_

"Alfred! Get me another beer!" yelled Batman, who had just finished off his second drink.

_Joker: So how is the new bird boy treating you? How does the old one like him?_

"How does he think they get along? They're complete opposites! Dumbass..." Batman thought to himself.

_Batman: He doesn't like him_

_Joker: Why? 'Cause you replaced him a week after his death?_

_Batman: Yea_

_Joker: Well you can send the new one to me! I haven't met him yet and I bet he would love to meet his Uncle J!_

"He killed my second son, what makes him think I'll let him meet my third?" The Dark Knight again thought to himself.

_Batman: No_

_Joker: The other one wants to kill me, why not send him over?_

_Batman: I don't know_

_Joker: We've had great fun with my crowbar!_

_Batman: Oh really? I wouldn't say it was fun!_

_Joker: Hey! It's Harley! Mista J left to go and rob somethin_

"Ah crap..." Our favorite vigilante said to himself.

_Batman: Oh no..._

_Joker: What? You don't wanna talk to me?_

_Batman: No, your creepy_

_Joker: Why? 'Cause I kissed the old bird boy once?_

_Batman: Yea_

_Joker: Fine, here's Ivy. She wants to talk to you._

"FML!" Batman cursed out loud.

_Joker: Hello Batman. How is your garden?_

_Batman: Ok_

_Batman: Of what?_

_Joker: Plants you stupid meatbag!_

_Batman: Don't be hateful_

_Joker: U men, I swear. You'll be the death of the Earth..._

The Batman immediately turned off his cell phone and decided to take a shower, since his faithful butler, Alfred, was complaining of him smelling of a mini bar. Join the Caped Crusader next time, same Bat-Time, same Bat-Story.

* * *

**This is the newly edited version of this chapter, so tell me what you think. Please review and give me suggestions on who you want Batman to talk to next. Also, thanks for being patient while I rewrote the chapters, it means a lot to me. ****Thanks so much for reading my stories (even though they can be really bad). I don't own anything, everything belongs to their respected owners.**

**Have a Nice Day! :D**


	5. Batman and JokerAgain

Text Messages Between Batman and the Joker Part 3  
***In Awesome Announcer Voice*  
**In the deep dark lair of the Batman: Gotham's Dark Knight is yet again, dealing with the loneliness he has over all of the death's he has had to face. Out of boredom and out of loneliness, he text the one person he believes can help him through his time of sadness, (no not his dealer, he ended up getting caught by the cops last week somehow), the Joker!

_Batman: SSSSSSSSS_

_Joker: You're an odd odd man..._

_Batman: Hee Hee_

_Joker: Your on Candy land again aren't you? Or is it Monopoly?_

_Batman: Yuppeerr_

_Joker: Oi..._

_Batman: Burgers are good_

_Joker: Really?_

_Batman: Yeaaaa_

_Joker: -_-_

_Batman: Hee hee_

_Batman: Sasha_

"I love the Bratz!" Batman said aloud to the bats in his cave.

_Joker: Really Batsy?_

_Batman: Yupper_

_Joker: I don't know what's worse! You high, or you angry!_

_Batman: Highhhhh_

_Joker: Can the bird boy come over to play?_

"No way! That would make you happy and then no one would be here to clean up the rainbows that come out of my mouth..." the Batman mumbled to himself.

_Batman: No_

_Joker: Why? Me and the dead one went our for a few drinks and we are on good terms now._

_Batman: No_

_Joker: Can I at least take him our for a few drinks with the dead one? I know the kid is 13, but I was drinking six packs by his age! I promise the dead on won't hurt him... that much._

"He does need to start getting a beer gut...It would be nice to have a drinking buddy now that Dick (hehe) is gone and Jason hates me for some weird reason..."

_Batman: Kk_

_Joker: Seriously? Your letting a 30-year-old man take a thirteen year old drinking?_

_Batman: Yeah, I was ten when I started._

_Joker: Wow, did you drink because you became an orphan at that point? Am I right ORPHAN?!_

"WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BRING THAT UP?!" The Batman said, sobbing. Then he decided to lite up some more candy land.

_Batman: Yea_

_Joker: Wow, is this why you are a druggie too?_

_Batman: Yea_

_Joker: So how are you and Catwoman doing? She got her gender changed back you know..._

_Batman: Shut the hell up. My personal life is none of your concern._

_Joker: Nevermind, just found out she is preggers. She says its yours. Congrats! You are a BatDaddy now! How much do you have to pay for child support and to keep her quiet?_

_Batman: Fml_

Now that our Dark Knight has finished texting, he decided to take that Bat-Mobile out for a spin, then probably pass out in an alley way after following the dancing hot dogs in bikinis.

* * *

**I do not support drug or alcohol use. I just think this is a realistic take on how Batman handles his childhood trauma. My friend or myself do not take part in either of these activities and we are both highly against them. I don't own anything, everything belongs to their respected owners. Thanks for waiting for the updated chapters. Review to tell me how you like them. Thanks so much for reading, I love you all.  
**

**Have A Nice Day! :D  
**


	6. Bats and Babies

Text Messages Between Bruce and Richard "Dick" Grayson  
***In Awesome Announcer Voice***  
In stately Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne is relaxing in a chair near a fireplace with a glass of vodka near him. He hasn't drunken it yet because he believes all is right with the world and he is at peace. That all changed when his ward, Dick Grayson, texted him:

_Dick: Bruce, we need to talk..._

_Bruce: What?!_

_Dick: What's up with Selina saying you got her knocked up? Btw this is Dick_

"Aww crap. Why did she have to go around telling everyone? At least she didn't mention our engagement. How to tell Dick?" Bruce thought to himself while reaching for the glass of vodka.

_Bruce: Ummmmm...Uh..Hmmmmm...Ummmm..._

_Dick: Care to explain? Talia is also claiming she is pregnant with your kid..._

"Shit..." Bruce said to himself.

_Dick: You get around!_

_Bruce: Yea_

_Dick: So start explaining! How are you going to explain this to Barbra? Yes, I know how you two are dating._

"I need to get less women in my life, or maybe I need more? Is Wonder Woman available?" Our favorite playboy said to himself.

_Bruce: Wait, what do you mean you know how we are dating, Dick?_

_Dick: I mean I know you two are dating. She's my ex for Pete's sake!_

_Bruce: Oooohhh ok_

_Dick: So how are you going to explain this mess?_

"Dammit, I didn't think of that. Alfred! I need more vodka!" He screamed to his faithful butler, Alfred.

_Bruce: Ummmmmmmmmmmm..._

_Dick: Hello, Earth to Bruce?_

_Dick: I could take Barbra back ;)_

_Bruce: Ok, I'll give her back to you when I'm all done with her._

_Dick: She is still going to date you even though you knocked up two other chicks who are supposed to be villains?_

_Bruce: Well, really when I'm done, it will be three women I knocked up._

_Dick: You do get around...Alfred teach you what you know?_

_Bruce: Yeaaa_

"Where do you think I learned all of my skills? My parents are dead." Bruce mumbled to himself while Alfred brought in a whole bottle of vodka and left it on the table next to his brooding master.

_Dick: Hypothetically speaking, if I was dating Jason and Barbra at the same time while you are dating Barbra, would you be mad?_

_Bruce: Um, not really_

_Dick: Ok good, cause I am_

_Bruce: Well I'm gonna get your girl pregnant! Hahahaha sucker!_

_Dick: How do you know she won't be pregnant with my child?_

_Bruce: Who cares, I'm still gonna._

_Dick: You still have to tell Talia and Selina about Barbra and Barbra about Talia and Selina. How is that going to work?_

"I hate him. Alfred, remember to cut him out of my will." Bruce said, not realizing Alfred had left the room.

_Bruce: They don't need to know nothin'_

_Dick: Talia told me to tell you that she gave birth to a boy. She is naming him Damian._

_Dick: Selina also told me to tell you she had a baby girl and named it Helena._

_Bruce: Ok? Like I care?_

_Dick: Just telling you. Also, how much are you going to pay Selina to keep quiet. And how much are you going to pay me so I keep this secret from the media and all three women?_

_Bruce: If you tell them, I'll rip all of your mouths out and feed them to my dogs!_

_Dick: You only have Ace and he needs a hip replacement..._

_Dick: Yeah yeah, love you to Jaybird._

_Bruce: Ok_

"That isn't weird that my oldest son is dating his presumable dead younger brother." Gotham's richest man thought to himself.

_Dick: Sorry, that last text was for Jason. Speaking of him, have you two talked since his "death"?_

_Bruce: Um no_

_Dick: You should, he's all depressed and often comes home with the smell of liquor on his breath. He brought the freakin Joker over one time and they both got wasted and passed out in the lobby._

_Dick: You're a bad dad, you know that?_

"I know, I ended up raising you."

And with that, Bruce got up out of his chair, and went straight to his bedroom, where he decided to cry himself to sleep that night over how much money this mess would cost him.

* * *

**Yup, that's my version of Dick. Love him, hate him. I don't own anything, everything belongs to their respected owners. Thank you all so much for reading this! Sorry it took so long to rewrite! Please review and tell me if you like it or not. If you ever need to find out information on this story or any other stories I have written, go to my profile and towards the bottom, there is a section called "Notes". Check it out if you need to find information on this story.  
**

**Have a Nice Day! :D  
**


	7. Bane's Bargin

Text Messages Between Batman and Bane, then Bane and Catwoman  
***In Awesome Announcer's Voice* **  
Outside of Wayne Manor, Gotham's white knight, Bruce Wayne, aka The Batman, is reclining in a near his pool with his swim trunks on even though he never swims in it. He is watching his current son (and the current Robin), Tim Drake, play in the pool. All of the sudden, his Bat-phone vibrates.

_Bane: Hola, we have much buisness we need to discuss...  
_

_"_Oh No..." Bruce muttered to himself so Tim wouldn't over hear him.

_Batman: Oh no, its not about...THAT..._

_Bane: I'm afraid so_

_Batman: FML_

_Bane: What does "FML" mean?_

"Stupid foreigner..." he laughed to himself, earning a curious glance from Tim, who only saw Bruce laugh when he was drunk or high.

_Batman: Nothing, get on with it._

_Bane: As you know. At the last World Cup Tournament, we made a deal. I carried out my side of the bargain, now you need to carry out your side of the deal._

_Batman: No! Anything but THAT!_

_Bane: Business is business Bruce..._

"NO! Anything but THAT!" Bruce screamed making Tim run towards the house to get his adopted father some alcohol, as Alfred told him to do if Bruce began screaming at his phone while he was running "errands".

_Batman: I'll do anything but THAT! Please be merciful!_

_Bane: Sorry, no can do._

_Batman: FML!_

When Tim returned with his vodka, a package magically appeared in Tim's hands and Bruce told Tim to run it to the post office. Tim, not wanting to be around a drunken Batman, obeyed.

_Batman: I sent the package. I'm not happy about it though._

Bruce then proceeded to drink the entire bottle of vodka Tim brought him and went to the BatCave to take a nap.

**-* 1 Day Later *-**

_Bane:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No puedo creer que realmente hizo QUE!**(1) **_

_Batman: I still can't believe you made me do it..._

_Bane: This was totally worth the million dollars I loaned you!_

_Batman: I hate you! If you show THAT picture to anyone, I'll make sure you don't live to see the sun!_

_Bane: Calm down amigo. I'm not showing this picture to anyone._

_Batman: Thank you..._

_Bane: As long as you let me run my "business" in Gotham without any trouble for the next three weeks._

_Batman: Deal!_

"Stupid American," Bane thought to himself as he set down his phone, "I'm putting this on the internet!"

**- *Later that Night*-**

_Catwoman: I still can't believe you actually got a picture of him smiling_

_Bane: I know! He really doesn't want people to see him happy._

_Catwoman: Do you still have any of the cookies Alfred sent in the package along with the photo?_

_Bane: Sorry have to run! Didn't here that last part. See you later senorita!_

_Catwoman: We aren't talking on the phone!_

_Catwoman: Do you still have the cookies?_

_Catwoman: Hello?!_

_Catwoman: Screw you..._

Selina Kyle was very displeased with this whole arrangement. Bruce would pay off a mad man to keep quite about a photo of him smiling with Alfred's best-tasting-things-on-the-entire-planet cookies, money, and by not bothering him for three weeks, yet he wouldn't pay child support?!

"Maybe I should pay him a visit, Helena needs to meet her daddy anyhow..." Selina thought slyly to herself.

* * *

**Buh Buh BBBBUUUUUHHHHHH! Cliffhanger! Sorry about being extremely late posting this chapter. I originally gave up Fan Fiction for Lent, then school got really hectic, then my personal life became hectic, so long story short, sorry. I also apoligize for this being the only chapter I'll be able to do this week. Again, I'm busy. Thanks for hanging with me through being late and having to rewrite all of these. Batman also thanks you all. So thanks for reading, tell me what you think about the story and leave suggestions for who Batman should text next.  
**

**Have a Nice Day! :D**

**(1) - I can't believe you actually did THAT!**


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